In October it started, the freshers appeared
Driving in past the porters when their way had been cleared,
But a challenging start, so your car weren't removed
Was finding somewhere to park where the porters approved.
The first step was finding your room and the bar
Then transferring your boxes up the stairs from the car,
Say hello to your neighbours, your stuff unpack entire
And then onto the bookshelf your book of 'The Liar'.
And then starts the term, all the people to meet,
Find where to wash T-shirts and where then to eat
And then later for work there's yourself to equip
But meeting the students themselves is what's worth all the trip.
They come from all over, a glorious mix,
From the huge city centres to from out in the sticks,
The Welshmen, the Brummies, The Irish and Scots,
The Northeners, Scousers and people from Notts.
Some stay in their rooms - Are infrequently seen
But are they alone? And just what does it mean?
If there's anyone with them, you can find out just who
If they sneak out to Gardies at quarter to two.
Some come to the bar with clothes deemed quite unsuited
Then return to their rooms when a mate's been recruited.
We all know what they're doing, though no-one has spied
As it's blatantly obvious if their bin is outside.
The contact meals happened there, right at the start
You met three or four others and perhaps lost your heart.
Then it came to the dinner - 'What's to eat? Can I look?
It's not pasta again..?' 'Yes, it's easy to cook!'
But the 'parents' themselves should have stayed well-behaved
And the 'grandparents' too, reputations to save.
But alas, it was heard that some contacts got laid
So accusations of incest were frequently made.
At the photo, everyone met Derek and Clive,
Who both still feature greatly in some people's lives.
It's important not to let them take over your brain
Or your intelligence is wiped and insanity remains.
And poker continues till four in the morning
When even the hardy all-nighters are yawning
But it's only for fun, only pennies are bet
Although someone invariably falls into debt (eh, Floss?)
But in Cripps, do be careful, let the silence remain
After 11 p.m., or Doctor B. will complain.
But is he unreasonable? We do not have proof -
Surely all would complain at fireworks on the roof.
And there's compscis - Don't accuse them of wasting their time;
It's well (!) spent in the Mond room all night till half nine.
I am sure that pentominoes are infinite fun
Even if their short programs take aeons to run.
Discovered was Gardies, the start of the term
Though a burger at midnight could well make you squirm
And the Death Van's nearby, Mister Burger as well,
But combining the three is a true gastric hell.
And the language is different from that which you know
For 'Cam-speak's not English, and so you can go
To a 'bop', to the 'plodge' (after locking your keyhole)
To see if there's anything rammed up your p. hole.
At the birthday beach party, the punch soon ran out,
But not before many'd succumbed to its clout -
While some sat in heaps, all quite dazed and in wonder,
Others produced pools of copious chunder.
Even the Dean had become quite impressed
And was around with his camera, as you might well have guessed
Because after the booze, with their stomachs aflame
Some put his 'fifty gallon cows' completely to shame.
When talking to people for the very first time,
It's quite a good idea to keep hold of your wine
And if you then spill it, but are wholly well-meaning
The offer to pay for their trousers' dry-cleaning.
For whatever you say and however you act,
It's good to remember this guaranteed fact -
'Whoops, I've dropped all my drink, and it's gone down your dress -
You'll have to remove it' as a line, don't impress.
Some simply ogle, while others are forward
And some just drink gallons, and find themselves falling floor-ward
But whatever you do with whoever you've found,
Check no photographers are sneaking around.
Because some of these photos are really quite damning
As you'll see, in 'The Drain' if you 'Tarquin' examine
But be nice to the freshers, and don't call them 'bender'
Even if second-year compscis are on the agenda.
And many go rowing, but why I'm not sure -
Perhaps to meet people, though they've met them before
But in any case, even when warm, in the sun,
The Cam at six-thirty's not my view of fun.
Some show a preference for postgrads much older,
Though it's maybe not wise as I'm sure people told her
But I think that most people have made the right move
In not shagging their supervisors - Dr. Thorne will approve!
Some had to cope with the pain of rejection
By turning their sights in a different direction,
But others found solace when there's no-one to see
In an 'ELO's Greatest Hits' favourite C.D.
Some people tell you they're only good friends,
But whether or not you believe this depends -
If they sometimes don't come back after together they go,
Are they sleeping together? It ain't necessarily so. (Yeah, right.)
And there's he with the hi-fi that's rather oppressive
Who thinks two hundred decibels isn't excessive
But you know who to blame if you can't think for the sound
As 'Eternal Flame' endlessly echoes around.
And in Cripps don't be shocked and do not be perplexed
If someone outside climbs across from one room to the next
For we know that at Queens' there's some truly weird folk -
They hang carrots on trees as a practical joke.
Do be nice to the bedders, who are helpful and kind
Who, if your room is a tip, your lost homework might find
But you must never use blu-tack if your surface is matt
For they could easily get stroppy, and you wouldn't like that.
And if you're in the place of the booze and the pool
Where the twenty pence pieces are stacked, as a rule
And there's nowhere to sit - They've taken every stool
And you dance to the music if you're drunk, or a fool,
Here's a word of advice to the juke-box requesters -
A song played repeatedly usually pesters,
For four times in ten minutes is somewhat extreme
And quickly turned off will often be the machine.
And then there's the barmen who serve you your drinks -
One's been called slimy, on occasions, methinks.
If upstairs do be careful if anyone passes,
They might have come to your room to check for lost glasses.
And when out of college, say in Kings Parade
Behave yourself or otherwise be very afraid;
After too many vodkas and beers and the likes,
Try not to start swearing at passers on bikes.
There's then formal hall, and a chance to get drunk,
And then maybe get off when a bottle's been sunk,
But while couples pair up and then leave by the door
There are people unconscious, and blue, on the floor.
Some sleep with strangers, though 'nothing' goes on
But by eight in the morning, they're usually gone
They shouldn't have spectators, that's really quite poor -
Until four in the morning, asleep on the floor.
And on W-staircase, the memories are thin
Of the night of the Newkie Brown, vodka and gin;
Some were unconscious and slept unawares
While others were propped up at the top of the stairs.
And the Pear-Shaped Posse then began to accrete
Although most of them were all anything but discreet.
But 'Henceforth, so to speak, as it were' Yes, oh brother,
It's worrying when they all start to talk like each other.
Some advice to the wise - It is OK to drink,
But not to excess, people kick up a stink.
Try not to vomit, or pass out, with blue cheeks;
If the Dean is consulted, people pisstake for weeks.
And then there were claims 'bout those on the first floor
That people could see things which just shouldn't be saw.
Don't keep others awake by remaining exposed -
It's best to undress when your curtains are closed.
Even at college, TV's popular still -
Mainly dodgy satellite channels to 1:30 until.
But the people who watch it are never alone -
The place is packed out when (ugh!) Neighbours is shown.
The 'Slag or Drag' party occurred late one night,
What they wore should have caused a huge riot or fight.
But maybe a chance to pull between bottles of Becks
As long as you made sure they were of the right sex.
By the start of December, 'twas time for a break -
All the parents returned, all the students to take
So with overdrafts huge, but having had a great laugh
We all returned home for a month and a half.
But it won't seem too long till we're back and we knew it,
With not quite all our work done and no time to do it
But hey! What happens next? Surely no-one can know -
This was just the first term - There are many to go!
'Bertie'
January 1995
'Don't start that talking -
I could talk all night...'